My Cold Pizza Dreams

Last night I had a dream that I was out in my backyard and it was snowing. And then I got bit by a rattlesnake. I stumbled inside because the poison was making me delirious. I  picked up my phone in my kitchen and dialed 911. When they asked me what was wrong I looked down at where the snake bit me on my wrist and my veins were changing shape and became more blue in color. I told the operator that my veins were blue pentagons. Because they were. I had blue pentagons on my wrist. And then she said, “oh you must have been bit by a rattlesnake.” And then I woke up.

A couple of nights ago I had a dream that my foot needed to be surgically removed. So they did it with a handsaw. And they didn’t give me any crutches so I had to walk on my stump. And it really hurt. And then I woke up.

last night I had a dream that I had a baby and I was still in highschool. I took her to the mall to buy baby clothes and I don’t know why but she was on a kid leash (I would never put my baby on a kid leash in real life) and and she was running really fast and I couldn’t keep up and then I woke up.

Last night I had a dream that this little ghost girl wanted to follow me into a movie theater and scare me but then she turned into a cake. And so I took the cake and shoved it down the sink into the garbage disposal with a stick of butter. And then I woke up.

Last night I had a dream that my school’s mascot was a white tiger and I was on the tiger training team. I volunteered to be a part of the half time show by walking this white tiger across the football field and doing tricks with it and making it growl and stuff. And then I woke up.

Last night I had a dream that I was in JFK’s house and it was the 50s and I was playing cops and robbers with this little boy and I was a little girl. Only we were playing with real guns. We were running up and down stairs and all around these grand libraries shooting at each other and he shot me three times. And my skin was torn and I was bleeding all over the place.

Then I was on this stage and I had to learn this entire play that night because I was performing it the next day. All the while I’m still bleeding from these gunshot wounds.

So my high school theatre director is giving me the blocking and he’s like you know the lines right? And I’m like oh yeah sure, which was a complete lie. And in the play I have to pick up all of these vases and old magazines at certain times and all the direction is making my head spin.

And then I am back at JFK’s house getting ready to give my inauguration speech because I am the newly elected president of the United States. My mom is there and she’s like, make sure your pillbox hat matches your tweed suit. So I’m looking through my closet for the right hat and i realize that I don’t have my outfit ready. And then I realize that I don’t have my speech ready. 

And now I am freaking out running around trying to come up with the speech that I am going to give to billions of people and I’m like what are they going to think of me when I use vocal fillers and stop in the middle of it and laugh because I know I am going to do that and what the heck am I even going to say?

So I go and interview children and ask them what they want me to do with the country and all the while I am trying to find the right outfit because People Magazine is going to be there (isn’t that a funny thing to care about? My dream self isn’t very rational sometimes.) and I don’t want to end up on the worst dressed of the week list and in the back of my head I know that I am going to have to memorize all those lines for the play that I’m in when I get home and I am still bleeding from those gunshot wounds before and then I wake up.

Last night I had a Buffy dream. I was Buffy, the vampire slayer, and I was fighting a vampire, a giant, and a demon dog in this warehouse with a bunch of shelving units. They were way too powerful and totally beating me up so I decided to go hide in a mushroom.

The mushroom was big enough for me to carve out a window and door. I fell asleep in the mushroom but when I woke up all three bad guys were staring at me and were getting ready to attack but then Dawn came out of nowhere and levitated my body out of the mushroom to safety and then I woke up.